Why is pain so alienating?

How does it slice the heart 

so neatly

without any sight of blood?

It wraps you, shields you

from the smiling faces around,

keeps you ensconced 

in your acute solitude.

So much so that

joy feels jarring, 

and your lips quiver

in an effort to smile.

It fills every breath

with awareness -

absolute awareness

of its enormous presence

in the same space

where love once resided. 

Every pain is new

I thought I knew pain -

The pain of unrealized dreams,

of crushed hope,

of heartbreak.

But you,

in your unconditional love, 

Soaked me in this bitter-sweet pain

of having you, but not quite.

Your vast love

is my country,

And your sunshine, your breeze,

your rain - all are mine to live.

The pain is of knowing

That I can lie in your grass for now,

Staring at your beautiful star-lit sky,

But I can't make it my home.

My eyes were yours

As was my heart;

I focused on you

And forget that it was I

Who was looking.

It took fifteen years

of wakefulness and dreams 

For me

To finally close my eyes 

And be still;

All that time

For me

To let myself disintegrate

And build anew.

You know what I learnt?

I had all the parts I needed 

To create a brand new me;

It was me, all along,

Who I needed to see.

Heart

 

The heart is beyond the logic and reasoning of the mind. It has its own weird logic of flowing a certain way. When your rational mind tells you that the feelings that you’re feeling won’t take you to a joyful place, you understand it. But you feel the feelings anyway. Because feelings just flow. They’re already on a path of a steep slope. They keep flowing and you keep dreaming. Not getting anywhere useful in the process. So how do you resolve such a conundrum?

 

My heart has always been a child. It wants what it wants. It desires things/people not based on logic. It feels freely and loves freely. And love has never been a problem for me. I have loved abundantly even when it was unrequited. Both the joy and the pain of it inspired me, to feel alive, to write. It enriched my experience of life like never before. I absolutely cherish the intensity of emotions I feel when in love. It’s this intensity that makes life beautiful for me. It is the most valuable gift when someone can evoke deep feelings in my heart. Feelings of affection, care, gratitude, and longing. Suddenly I become conscious of every breath that I take.

 

But what if your emotions overpower you and drag you to a place of helplessness? What if they make you feel powerless and weak? I think when something like that happens, it helps to remind yourself that this too shall pass. That emotions, like everything else, change. They flow and live out their existence. Although, some emotions that are intense enough leave a permanent imprint on your very fabric. Their ink is indelible. You are forever changed by them. If it wasn't for emotions, you wouldn't be such a beautiful human being.           

You peep deep 
Into my soul 
With those black eyes of yours 

Until you blink and turn away; 

Is it what you see 

Or the intimacy 

That makes you back off? 

There are unspoken words 

Swirling in your head 

Never making it to your tongue 

(I could dance there with mine, ya know?)

But, is it just me

Or the futility 

That makes you mum? 

Heartache

 

You are like calm waters 
And I know you run deep, 
I should stay at the shore 
Yet, why do I want to leap? 

Your eyes draw me in 

Your smile casts a spell,

I want to lose myself 

I want to rebel 

But you know, 

You’re far braver 

Far too good for me 

You already understood 

Things I was too busy to foresee. 

The moon and I

 

Did you know

that the moon reflects my moods?

It vanishes from the night sky when I retreat into my shell

and peeps out a little the following night

When I tread out lightly to test the waters.

 

Some nights

When I’m consumed by your thoughts,

heady with your desire,

I glow with the full moon in my window.

 

And on nights when I just want to

quietly soak in your presence,

Without the ripple of words disturbing us,

The moon is half full in the night sky.

 

The moon and I

are in perfect sync -

only the undulating tides of the ocean

know this secret.

 

Grief

Hugs and kisses

Won’t mend what’s broken between us.

 

I carry the remnants of our relationship  

With me like a dead weight;

You can see its shadow in my eyes

If you really look.

 

Grief is my best friend

For its utter honesty,

So I may find my strength

To inhale and exhale and function 

day after day.

 

Eyes

 

Your eyes pierce my heart -

That teeny squint and the slight turn of your lips,

And the way you sometimes hold your chin in your fingers,

While you pretend to listen to me…

I know you’re actually studying my face,

Making a memory.

 

What thoughts are you thinking

in that beautiful head of yours?

You speak so little and hear so much!

Although my words seem to matter less than my voice

But my oh my, your eyes -

Your eyes belie you as such.

Thank you

 

Hi, Good Morning

Thank you for finally coming into my life

Although I was just fine before I met you

And I thought I knew love

It was abundant and free-flowing in me, afterall.

 

But then, why was I often jarred and hurt?

Why was my spirit often walled by silence?

Why were there sharp words and cold shoulders?

 

They have invented fine terms to describe it,

Like ‘toxicity’ and ‘narcissism’,

But, when the person cannot see

And you blame them for not seeing

Then who really is blind?

 

Thank you for showing me what love feels like

When it envelops you securely,

When it is open and honest.

 

I was whole by myself, like the earth

But you, my moon, rendered meaning to my gravity.

Falling apart

We reside in two different worlds

Like matter and anti matter

We collide and destroy something 

every time.

Silent screams in my head 

get the better of me.

The ice-cold formality

The same talks on a loop

The pretense of it all

And the futility thereof.

It bothers but it doesn't

Thank God for the distractions of Life!