Thousands of words
dipped in your universe
went into all the love poems
that I penned for you.
A million more
still reside in me
buzzing, breathing, living
in my love for you.
The pristine you -
The beautiful you,
The you I fell in love with
The you who has no clue
That my immense love
is boundless and free,
like a river into the ocean
I dissolve in thee.
The twinkling stars in the night-sky blanket,
and the twinkling fireflies
in the dark forest bed,
are the hopes and laughter
of women around the world—
sparks of joy
in the conundrum of the dark.
Why is pain so alienating?
How does it slice the heart
so neatly
without any sight of blood?
It wraps you, shields you
from the smiling faces around,
keeps you ensconced
in your acute solitude.
So much so that
joy feels jarring,
and your lips quiver
in an effort to smile.
It fills every breath
with awareness -
absolute awareness
of its enormous presence
in the same space
where love once resided.
I thought I knew pain -
The pain of unrealized dreams,
of crushed hope,
of heartbreak.
But you,
in your unconditional love,
Soaked me in this bitter-sweet pain
of having you, but not quite.
Your vast love
is my country,
And your sunshine, your breeze,
your rain - all are mine to live.
The pain is of knowing
That I can lie in your grass for now,
Staring at your beautiful star-lit sky,
But I can't make it my home.
My eyes were yours
As was my heart;
I focused on you
And forget that it was I
Who was looking.
It took fifteen years
of wakefulness and dreams
For me
To finally close my eyes
And be still;
All that time
For me
To let myself disintegrate
And build anew.
You know what I learnt?
I had all the parts I needed
To create a brand new me;
It was me, all along,
Who I needed to see.
The heart is beyond the logic and reasoning of the mind. It has its own weird logic of flowing a certain way. When your rational mind tells you that the feelings that you’re feeling won’t take you to a joyful place, you understand it. But you feel the feelings anyway. Because feelings just flow. They’re already on a path of a steep slope. They keep flowing and you keep dreaming. Not getting anywhere useful in the process. So how do you resolve such a conundrum?
My heart has always been a child. It wants what it wants. It desires things/people not based on logic. It feels freely and loves freely. And love has never been a problem for me. I have loved abundantly even when it was unrequited. Both the joy and the pain of it inspired me, to feel alive, to write. It enriched my experience of life like never before. I absolutely cherish the intensity of emotions I feel when in love. It’s this intensity that makes life beautiful for me. It is the most valuable gift when someone can evoke deep feelings in my heart. Feelings of affection, care, gratitude, and longing. Suddenly I become conscious of every breath that I take.
But what if your emotions overpower you and drag you to a place of helplessness? What if they make you feel powerless and weak? I think when something like that happens, it helps to remind yourself that this too shall pass. That emotions, like everything else, change. They flow and live out their existence. Although, some emotions that are intense enough leave a permanent imprint on your very fabric. Their ink is indelible. You are forever changed by them. If it wasn't for emotions, you wouldn't be such a beautiful human being.
Until you blink and turn away;
Is it what you see
Or the intimacy
That makes you back off?
There are unspoken words
Swirling in your head
Never making it to your tongue
(I could dance there with mine, ya know?)
But, is it just me
Or the futility
That makes you mum?
Your eyes draw me in
Your smile casts a spell,
I want to lose myself
I want to rebel
But you know,
You’re far braver
Far too good for me
You already understood
Things I was too busy to foresee.
Did you know
that the moon reflects my moods?
It vanishes from the night sky when I retreat into my shell
and peeps out a little the following night
When I tread out lightly to test the waters.
Some nights
When I’m consumed by your thoughts,
heady with your desire,
I glow with the full moon in my window.
And on nights when I just want to
quietly soak in your presence,
Without the ripple of words disturbing us,
The moon is half full in the night sky.
The moon and I
are in perfect sync -
only the undulating tides of the ocean
know this secret.
Hugs and kisses
Won’t mend what’s broken between us.
I carry the remnants of our relationship
With me like a dead weight;
You can see its shadow in my eyes
If you really look.
Grief is my best friend
For its utter honesty,
So I may find my strength
To inhale and exhale and function
day after day.
Your eyes pierce my heart -
That teeny squint and the slight turn of your lips,
And the way you sometimes hold your chin in your fingers,
While you pretend to listen to me…
I know you’re actually studying my face,
Making a memory.
What thoughts are you thinking
in that beautiful head of yours?
You speak so little and hear so much!
Although my words seem to matter less than my voice
But my oh my, your eyes -
Your eyes belie you as such.
